Relationship is not a series of isolated incidents. And one bad incident cannot break the relationship. This mantra, if followed, helps in developing long-standing relationships. Those who think otherwise can never develop deep relationships and end up having on-again-off-again types of associations.
It has, in fact, three stages: The honeymoon stage is the one we begin with. We usually have an unrealistic view of the relationship at this point. Obviously, what attract people to each other, whether it is a business relationship, a friendship, or a romance, are their positive qualities. The excitement of finding someone who meets some need in our lives tends to temporarily blind us to their negative traits.
The second stage is called the realization state. To understand it just look back at the early weeks of your marriage or of a new job. You will probably recall the first incident that shook you into reality – the time you realized the honeymoon was over. The irritation stage where we begin to open our eyes and see things we don’t like. Here we develop a memory bank of these negative traits. But then we also see the relationship in a more realistic light. We become more open, honest, and transparent about telling someone why they are making us uncomfortable.
In the third stage we try hard to separate our irritation from the person. It is a stage of development where we raise our energy level to make a success of the relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s very hard to separate the problem from the person. In the fourth stage exhaustion often becomes a serious problem in a relationship because we are too tired to try any longer. We tend to throw up our hands and quit at this crucial point. And lastly, separation is the final stage. By this time the relationship has usually been terminated with little hope of restoration. Usually, by the time this happens we are too numb to even care or hurt.
When confrontation creates a crisis
We have observed that in most relationships it is inevitable that at some point a confrontation will take place. Before this point of crisis abruptly ends the relationship it is time to make a quick move. At this crisis point it is very important to approach the offending party prepared with the right attitude. I have seen that if a confrontation is handled correctly, it can actually strengthen the relationship.
However, it is prudent to delay a confrontation until you have coolly asked yourself two questions: Could I have contributed to the problem? Were there mitigating circumstances I am overlooking?
In this regard I have devised a process –
- Bring in the individual/ persons involved in the conflict and come face to face. My own experience has taught me that unless all persons involved come together; sit together in a relaxed atmosphere the whole story will never be pieced together accurately.
- Note down all the facts. Be sure you keep comprehensive records. The better your documentation – how the mistake came about, when it happened, who was involved, etc. Relying on hearsay evidence or general impressions will only invite emotion-laden rebuttals and, possibly, resentful counterattacks. So the facts must be discussed threadbare. All concerned parties should bring out what all they have heard from others and have the impression about the other person. Each one should be precise about the offense. Let the person know exactly what the charge is. Don’t try to soften the blow by hemming and hawing and no one should be refusing to cough up the details.
- Get the other person’s side of the story. Always give the offender the chance to explain what happened and why they behaved as they did. There may be extenuating circumstances.
- The last point is, don’t harbor a grudge. Once you have handed out the reprimand and administered any sanctions, don’t carry around hostilities. Let that person know you consider the problem a closed book and act accordingly. And also important – never reprimand while angry. Make sure you are in control of your emotions. The angrier you are, the less objective you will be and the less effective your reprimand.
We can handle disagreements or differences of opinion, but negative attitudes really get to us. And attitude is what we need to change rather try to change. The practical side of public relations is all about this. Are you aware of the tremendous advantage frogs have over humans? They can eat anything that bugs them. Wouldn’t it be great if we could consume our relational problems rather than letting them consume us? But that’s not possible.
